Setting boundaries with loved ones is an important aspect of maintaining healthy relationships, but it can also be incredibly challenging. As a therapist, I often hear from individuals who struggle with the push and pull between love, loyalty, and the pain caused by those closest to them. Family dynamics can be a delicate balance, especially when the very people we love the most are also the source of our deepest wounds. This is all too common in families, and it’s even more complicated in cultures where familial bonds are emphasized, and there is a strong expectation for younger generations to care for older ones. But what happens when those older generations are toxic?

It’s not uncommon for clients to ask me, “What should I do about a family member who hurts me every time we interact?” The emotional toll of these encounters can leave individuals feeling trapped, torn between honoring family loyalty and prioritizing their own mental and emotional well-being. In situations like these, I always start by asking a few critical questions:

• Are both you and the other family member unhappy with how things are and seeking change?
• Are you both willing to put in the effort to create change?
• Are you both willing to step out of your comfort zone to make that change happen?

The answers to these questions often reveal the potential for healing within the relationship. The pain between family members often goes back years, sometimes even decades. Hurts from the past, unresolved anger, and old misunderstandings can cloud our perceptions of one another, making it difficult to see the person beyond the hurt. In these cases, much of the work is about peeling back the layers of old wounds, misinterpretations, and grudges built up over time. When both parties are committed to doing this work, it can be transformative.

However, not every family relationship is ripe for healing. Unfortunately, there are times when one or more parties are unwilling to budge, refuse to see their role in the conflict, or are simply not ready to change. In these instances, the result can be painful. It’s difficult for individuals to face the reality that not all family members are open to growth. But that doesn’t mean the process is in vain—it becomes about setting boundaries to protect your emotional health while accepting that you cannot control others’ willingness to evolve.

It’s also important to remember that family roles often persist well into adulthood. Parents, for example, never really stop being parents. Even as children grow into adults, the dynamic between parent and child can remain complicated. There are still moments where, as a parent myself, I find that I need to be the bigger person, lead by example, and sometimes swallow my pride for the sake of the peaceful and loving relationship I have with my offspring. Some parents assume that once their children are adults, their “job” is done, and they can behave however they wish. This mindset can be damaging and strain the relationship further, as adult children still need understanding, respect, and even a sense of partnership with their parents.

In working with family dynamics, especially those involving hurt and betrayal, it’s crucial to acknowledge that growth and change require mutual effort. If only one party is doing the work, the relationship is unlikely to shift meaningfully. For those who find themselves stuck in patterns of pain with family members, it’s essential to recognize when it’s time to set boundaries for your own peace. This doesn’t mean cutting ties entirely, though in some cases, that may be necessary. It simply means protecting your mental and emotional well-being while also holding space for the possibility that things could change, but not relying on it.

It’s important to remember a quote that resonates deeply with this work: “The bond that links your true family is not one of blood but of respect and joy in each other’s life.” – Richard Bach. This quote speaks to the idea that family isn’t solely defined by bloodlines but by mutual care, respect, and the happiness we share in each other’s existence. When those qualities are lacking, it’s okay to redefine what family looks like for you and your mental well-being.